Monday, March 26, 2012

Mostly ranting, then about weight.


Today I look skinny, and feel light. (I refuse to step on the scale for a little while.)
This weekend was little exhausting I signed back up on a dating site only to have deleted my account 24 hours later. Anyways so it started off Friday when my friend was “dumped” he told her there was NO SPARK but being as stupid as they both are and fear being alone, he said they’ll go on a “date” Sunday to see if a spark is there…okay whatever and this guy reminds me a lot of the douche I’m trying to get out of my system (it’s been really hard trying to get over him when I’m hearing about him just with a different name so every time my friends douche get’s brought up and the similar things he does reminds me of mine, so I cave and text him…)…well I saw the douche on the dating site with a new account and I lost it. (Given the fact I’m more overly emotional on my period and I flew off the handle.) At first we decided to be friends (the douche and I) and given the fact I’m not one of these girls that just bottles everything up I decided I couldn’t do it because I still had feelings for him. I told him I’m walking away and I was done and I’d appreciate it the next time he has a failed relationship and needs someone to fill a void to make him happy for a moment NOT to come to me.
He has something of mine, and I have something of his so after Friday’s freak out I calmed down Saturday after numerous of crying over the last 12 hours and send him a new text. Telling him I wanted my stuff and he should get his too. That we’ll meet up somewhere in the middle, of course he had some excuse not to do it. I don’t get why? You don’t want to date me, but you want to be friends? (even though I’m crazy emotional and you can’t stand that side of me…so doesn’t make sense.) I don’t want to be your friend. If I can’t have you the way I want you, then you don’t deserve to have me the way you want. It’s that simple. Maybe it’s selfish but I deserve to be selfish it’s my life. Given the fact I have feeling and he doesn’t why I should constantly be upset over it just because all the other girls he’s dated they’ve been able to get over their feelings for him and be his friend. Well I can’t, well it’s not that I can’t hell I don’t fucking want to! Give me space; give me TIME to get over you! He doesn’t want to do that because he thinks I’ll forget about him and completely move on. Which I will! Just because HE can’t let go and not have me in his life, doesn’t me I can’t let go and want him in my life. I don’t want him in my life final decision so when he decides to finally exchange stuff I’m going to let him know. He’s gone forever. I know in a few weeks time he’ll think the storm is over so he’ll text me like nothing happened etc…and I’m not doing it anymore. Fuck him.  
I also told my friend that because she decided to stay with the douche and not let go especially AFTER HE SAID, there was NO SPARK. I don’t want to hear it anymore. (She understand, at least I hope she does.) So when he starts treating her like shit again, I don’t want to hear it. All last year and now this year I’ve been trying to help her out with her relationships and I’m done it’s taking too much of a toll on me and I just don’t care anymore. How about everyone around me FIX YOUR OWN SHIT AND LEAVE ME OUT OF IT. No one wants to do anything to help themselves and it’s annoying.  I’m going to book another Therapy appointment because I either need it or I need anger management or something. I want to fix myself, I want to patch up whatever it is that’s broken inside of me that makes people not love me, and that makes me…most of the time not love myself.
I skipped out on doing Insanity Friday and Saturday, instead I decided to play Resident Evil Operation Raccoon City, which I thought was going to be a little more different than it was. It was still badass though! I let the hero live this time, I want to kill him the next time! Lol It’s snowing today, we’re suppose to get up to 10 – 20 cm of it. I slept well last night and feel energized today. All last week I was drained, this week I work doubles all week. I work 6-2pm I’ll get home around 2:45, do Insanity, drink coffee, grab dinner and then go to work 5-8pm. Okay so not exactly doubles but still two different jobs that are pretty much going to take up my evenings. The pay is what I’m looking forward to next Monday! Lol
Sorry I don’t have anything else on my weight loss. I decided to give up calorie counting because when I stress and worry too much about my weight it becomes a slower progress than when I’m carefree about it. Not to mention TOM is here and I really am scared to step on the scale. So maybe in a little over a week’s time I’ll have some good news and new progress.
Goals this week:
Push myself more this week during insanity. (goals to do at least 5/6 days. 6/6 would be better but hey! I’m a working progress.) I need to build up to work out on weekends lol.
Drink more water. (Not that I don’t drink enough already.)/ eat more fruit and veggies…
Join a social group.
Apply to at least two different jobs.
Book my therapy appointment

4 comments:

  1. Good luck with your goals this week.

    You have every right to tell your ex that you aren't ready to be friends right now. That is YOUR choice and I had an ex like that who strung me along for months only to drop me for another girl and they made it official in a matter of days. This has been almost 6 years since it happened and I still want nothing to do with him.

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  2. I fear that's what will happen because that's ALWAYS been the case. It's like I'm never good enough to date because I'm too complicated or whatever and the next girl that comes along BAM. They're official and next thing I know their engaged. Sometimes I wonder whats wrong with me...other times I realize it's not me, its the way society is and the fact that there are far more shitty men out there than good ones.

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  3. Honey, you deserve someone who knows what he wants and gives you the world. I know its difficult to let go because we're human and emotions are something you just can't turn off instantaneously. But you will heal, you just have to be strong and know that he had his chance and you need to do this for yourself. You're right there are still good men out there, don't waste your time on a boy that needs a lot of growing up to do.

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  4. I agree Gerie, he actually had multiple chances over last year and each time continue to show his stupid self. Sometimes it's hard especially when they don't leave you alone. If they would go away it'd be fine but for some reason people leech onto me and I can't figure out why? LOL they dislike so much about me but can't be bothered to let go...maybe it's my good side of me they love and want but then when the bad side comes out they remember. haha! oh two personalities suck! lol (meaning cause I'm gemini, not skizo. hehe)

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