Thursday, May 31, 2012

Sunday is the last day!



I started calorie counting again yesterday 2369 calories for the day. Yikes and I wonder why I’m not seeing the scale budge! I haven’t worked out either this week. Hehe bad me…
So far I have six people for this loser challenge thing including me in that number. Pepa round up some more girls/guys!!! If we can get 4 more people that will be 9 so three groups of 3 people!!! Woo hoo. I know I slacked a bit. I also have an email buddy who doesn’t blog who would like to join..hmm does that make things difficult? I don’t know, I guess I can just throw her on my team right away and record mine and her weigh in’s on my blog.
http://www.3fatchicks.com/diet-blogs/turbomammoth/ She only has 6 pounds to lose she said she'd try and join.
I have just asked Jewlz and another girl I forget her name but she hasn’t blogged since last week Wednesday so we’ll see. I’m a little excited to get this started up. It makes things better when there is competition not necessarily easier!
So I’m giving everyone until Saturday night, sunday morning if they want to join! I will then create the groups on Sunday so we can get this started for Monday!
Happy bloggings!!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Anyone wanna do a Biggest Loser Challenge?


Dear bloggers: I need a challenge…I’ve stalled or should I say I’ve maintained at 160. Don’t get me wrong I don’t hate it, hell I’d still rock a bikini because I think I look sexy with a little bit of curves but 140 is still a long way and I believe my problem is because I’ve accepted myself at 160 it’s hard for me mentally to move past this. Which I guess is great but at the same time I want to be lower. My inner selves are fighting with each other and the maintainer side of me seems to be winning. I got dressed for the gym yesterday and guess what? I didn’t go, I even went outside and brought my garbage out and STILL I went back down to my apartment sat my lazy butt on the couch and didn’t bother.
So I want a biggest loser challenge, I need competition. Maybe that’s going to be my problem in the long run because I eventually just need to do this, but it becomes hard when I have absolutely no support out here, no buddy system no nothing. It’s really just me. I know I can’t depend on people and I have to do this for myself but it becomes harder and sometimes I’m really just sick and tired of having to always do something for myself without a buddy system. You know what I mean? I feel like all my life I’ve had to do things alone and struggle alone and right now I don’t want that for this.
So if you want to do this let me know! Weigh in’s will be in on Sundays since it’s my only day off and the day I’ll likely remember!

Monday, May 28, 2012

Refreshed and feels like a million bucks!


Ontario had amazing weather all week, I had a family BBQ and then hit up a bon fire with a friend at another friends house. My friend seemed a little peeved that I haven’t really spoken to her in 4 years and when I did come home for 6 months I didn’t tell her. I tried not to tell anyone that I came back except for the people I knew for years…I was at my lowest point those 6 months and really fat, I really didn’t want to see anyone who knew me when I was thin that would judge me. Anyways, it was an amazing week I felt relax, I wasn’t worried or had anxiety because in the then this is the first trip in years that I’ve been completely 100% free from my psycho ex and it was amazing. I went out with friends, got amazing pictures, hung out with family and in the end got sort of a shocker…
So when I lived at home for the 6 month period I was working at Tim Hortons and there was this VERY and when I say VERY I mean VERY sexy guy who came in every morning at 7 am! I called him the 7 am hottie because I never knew his name. So for months I admired him, and then stupidly said to the girls I liked him. Of course being the big mouths that they are he knew and I shyed away. Anyways my last day there (because I was moving out west to Calgary after the weekend at my grandma’s) I got the nerve to ask him out! I know right last day in Ontario what was going through my head?! So I said to him (and right now I’m sitting at my desk smiling like an idiot because I remember it as if it was yesterday.) “I was wondering if you wanted to go out for drinks tonight!?” oh boy was I ever red and freaking out on the inside and he said “hmm tonight I can’t, but give me your number and I’ll give you a call.” Of course being a nervous wreck I ran to the back and wrote it down on a piece of paper instead of just telling him my number to program into his phone! I gave him the paper and was like “wait…what’s your name?” and I finally got it! I was happy but took what he said as a nice rejection which either way I was perfectly fine with because well…I never had to see him again! That is why I waited my very last day! haha
I didn’t even hear from him that weekend before I changed my phone number. So anyways My friend Asha who is probably Peeved at me for not visiting her, ran into him while I was in town. (This is TWO years later…) and told him I was back and gave him my number. Of course this isn’t going to be some romantic omg he’s the one cause he totally just wanted a booty call which I’m TOTALLY fine with because well omg he’s sexy and I live in Calgary and he’s like the hottest guy I’ve ever wanted of course I don’t say that to him haha. So I’m sitting on the couch at my parents house playing something on the computer and I get a random text. Of course the night before I had a birthday dinner with friends (I didn’t shy away from the camera at all but damn I looked so bad in pictures haha!) I send out a random message to people on FB inviting whoever wanted to show up to come and gave my number so of course I was just thinking it was one of those people. He then told me his name and I thought it was my friend from High school because they have the same name! but it was 7 am hottie!! He made a sexual comment about me wanting him and I was just like…”Umm maybe two years ago dude..” lol ball buster! I loved it, but I told him he was too late because I’m leaving the next day and I have plans tonight so I couldn’t see him. Actually I could have to be honest, but I didn’t feel like shaving and getting all cutesy up for him so I told him I’ll save his number for the next time I was in town and hit him up. Lol Turns out after a couple of weeks he had asked Asha for my number again and she told him I was gone. She said he seemed disappointed haha.  He waited two years to text me so what’s another year? Lol actually I might go back in October because I had such a blast this time around…and the end of the world is “supposedly” coming which I know isn’t but that whole “just in case” I want to see my parents twice this year lol.
So here I am back in Calgary and though No Spark guy has been stalking my facebook crazily and liking ALL my status comments he hasn’t text me. I think it’s his ploy to make me text him but I really don’t want to. I haven’t really heard from any of the douches since I went away and you know what it’s been really GREAT! I did though sign back up to POF, I figure why not it’ll help me work on my communications skills with guys and my shyness so why the heck not! It’s nicer out these days anyways.  …I’m bored! And I finally had new pictures of myself so I thought why the hell not! I after having a great week of going out every night and being social I thought I’d come back here and do the same! So far I’ve only chatted with one cute guy and I dislike his name because all the guys with that name turn out to be douches and if you’re wondering which name here it is…MIKES!!!! Yep and Chris’ usually I try and stay away from too! Lol
Scale news…160 as of yesterday which means I haven’t really gained since I’ve been battling between 158-163 anyways and given the fact I ate out a lot while I was home and hardly ate healthy, I’ll be happy with the 160! I’m getting back into routine today and actually hitting the gym and start with this workout” http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/jamie-eason-livefit-trainer-phase-1-day-1.html haha given my fails of committing we’ll see how long I stick this out before going F this. Haha.
Well that’s all the news I have! Happy Monday Bloggers!

Friday, May 18, 2012

in the single digits!



In 6 hours I'll be off into the air! I'm so excited and the best thing about visiting family is the healthy eating my mother will cook for me and so on. I'm hoping to get on with my running and healthly eating this week that by next friday I'll be down in weight some more. I was 160 this morning which I'm happy about given the fact I'm still on TOM so here's hoping I may get a nice little whoosh?! I still have some packing left to do but I'm mostly ready to go! I'll be at the airport a few hours early so I'll just work on my photo's for my photography page to kill time.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! I will try and post next week on my progress if I can't you'll all hear from in my in a weeks time!
<3

Thursday, May 17, 2012

The countdown is on…



Well given the fact the scale is up because of TOM of course past the 160 mark (163-165), I didn’t make my 155 goal for this week. Will I get a big woosh at the end of it all and finally pass 158? I don’t think so, and I don’t feel like having my hopes for it to be ruined when the scale says…haha 158 still suckaaaaaa! Not that my scale can talk or anything..I Wish it did, I wonder what type of things the little asshole would say to me?  
I’m super excited for tomorrow when I get home at midnight, I’m a little stressed and sometimes I still feel like that 180 pound girl I was two years ago, but the truth is the weight I’m at now is the weight I was at when I moved to Calgary in 2008. So those people I haven’t seen I 4 years are not going to see the fat girl in me, they’re going to see the girl they always knew. Which is something I need to remember, and I’m sure I’ll be getting compliments from my family so I need to not stress so much!
Saturday I’m going to start C25K I’ve had a two week break from working out and it’s time to get back into! Besides it’ll be good to start running while I’m at home, there’s something about my small little home town that makes me be able to run for long periods of a time. So I think it’ll be perfect and a nice easy process to get back into it and before I know it, I’ll be back home in Calgary running routes here as well!
Ah more people than I expected want to see me when I come home, I would honestly love to see them all but my priorities are Mom and Dad and my 3 BBF’s and one other friend. I also need to stop by and see someone at my old Hospital job, because I want to see if I can use him as a reference and two it’d be good to do a little catching up with him. I may have to throw a small get together with the other people which would actually be nice considering I don’t really have many friends out in Calgary or really do much. Of course it’s by choice because I could easily just get out there and go do things but I’m so lazy…I’m even too lazy to meet new people haha..
I also plan on sending out my resume all next week to different jobs. I’m tired of working two jobs and I want to make more money, so since I’m off all next week resume sending will be perfect opportunity as well. I’m going to have a busy, productive week!
Happy Thursday all!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!



I’m happy happy happy today and there is no reason as to why really. I’m above 160 on the scale, I over ate last night, I’m on my period and in two days I’m going to be home seeing my parents and my wonderful friends. I’m super stoked about that, one of my friends is having a bon fire Saturday night she really wants me to go. But it’s the first night  I’m home with the parents. I don’t know more than likely I’ll end up going because I’ll be with my mom and dad, possibly my sister all day and I’d really like to see my friend. If I don’t see her at her bon fire though I’ll meet up with her Sunday for lunch. I then have 3 more of my BFF’s I need to hang out with, mostly two of them will be during the week while my parents are working so I don’t cut into parent’s quality time and my most amazing girl friend ever I will do a sleep over at her house. Don’t get me wrong all my girls are amazing it’s just two of them I won’t do sleep over’s for and I can hang out with them all day since they don’t really work.
I have nothing else to say, I hope everyone is having a magnificent day!

P.S Is anyone else having a week where they think every day so far has been Friday?!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Chicken Boobies....



Sunday’s Weigh in: 158
Not bad since Tom is kind of here and given the fact I had a drumstick snack size mcflurry and a cheese burger from MacDonald’s at 10pm Saturday night I guess I’ll be happy with not budging on the scale yet again. What have I been at this weight since the end of Feb…Without bouncing back and forth and seeing 157 a few times? Only thing I can do is stay on track this week at least try to give the cravings I’ll more than likely get.  I have one week before I head home! I refuse to stress about this…
I was supposed to go to the Zoo on Sunday with No Spark guy, but I honestly couldn’t bring myself to go with him so I canceled. I don’t blame me either for a guy who says “what time shall I pick the beautiful princess up at?” it’s like what am I 5? Or say’s Jammies, and say’s he’s cooking chicken boobies for dinner instead of chicken breast… Just because you have ADD and you’re 30 doesn’t give you the excuse to act like a 10 year old…We had a discussion and he asked me if I had a problem with him calling me beautiful? I told him because he says it so much it means nothing to me other than a being just a word. I think he was a little offended by that. He told me it was true though because I was one of the top 5 most beautiful women he’s ever met. LOL!!! I told him he clearly doesn’t get out much haha…He didn’t get it.. lol That’s fine I thought it was funny.
I’m more than happy to be single for the rest of my life to be honest. I’ve kind of already accepted that, that’s the way it’s going to be. I’m going to be a cat lady and you know what I’m fine with that because I don’t NEED a man, maybe sometimes want one but need, no. I really need a boy break…Maybe I just won’t respond to any text messages from guys for a few days?! Given the fact that I said that I doubt any of them will be texting me any time soon haha which is great! Cause I really don’t send the first text anyways! I think once I go home and I’m away from here for a week and spend time with my family and friends I’ll be refreshed and happy again that I’ll want to go out more with my friends from here and start doing more things…I’m kind of lazy now and have no motivation to be around people.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

158 and TOM?!?!!?!?




Those are not my feet though I do like the colour of the nail polish but this is what my scale said this morning...and guess what?! TOM is here (sort of...spot spot...)...geez it feels like she went away not to long ago and is now back again! But this is good...158 and TOM...would explain my cranky mood and over eating this week but hey I'm still under 160 so I'm going to take it!!! Besides makes me happy I won't be on my period the week I'm at home!

I'd like to dream that this weight right now is my 5 pounds plus and when this is all over I'll be down to 154!!! Do you know how awesome that would be?! if I met my goal of 155 for next Friday and when I go home to see my family?! It would be AMAZING! I don't know we shall see!!! I am going to the zoo tomorrow with no spark guy, I'm excited I have never been to the Calgary Zoo and I've lived out here for 4 years!!! It's going to be a beautiful weekend so I'm going to enjoy it and get some amazing pictures! woot woot! I really have nothing else to say other than my wonderful scale news...tho I know tomorrow is my official weigh in day I had to weigh in as soon as I started spotting haha. 

Everyone have a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Discipline


Good morning ladies! (and gents)
I’m in a good mood today! I actually woke up this morning excited because I thought it was Friday…lol okay so it’s only Thursday but whatever! I had my massage yesterday it hurt like hell! But I can still feel the kinks so I’m going to book another appointment in three weeks! Calories were a bust yesterday I decided to have a pity party for myself with Wendy’s burger, poutine and a pop… But that’s okay! I think I needed that pity party and that massage because today I feel GREAT! I was going to step on the scale to see the damage but then I looked in the mirror and said “I look thin today!” so I went with that and walked away from the scale!
I’d like the say I’m doing great calorie wise this morning and from the way I calculated it all…I should be on track today!  I’m still on a not working out strike for this week. I will get back into it next week and then I get to go home for a week and enjoy a nice relaxing time away from work! I reapplied at the hospital; I’m hoping the second time is a charm for that one to! I’m still waiting for my email to tell me when my interview is for the dispatching job as well!
I really really really need to start living off one pay and putting away money from my second job pay like it doesn’t even exist. You know discipline is not my strong suite especially when it comes to money…Apparently it isn’t when it comes to food either. Heh…Either way I have to start or else I’m always going to be stuck in the never ending BS…so my goal is by the time I’m 30 to be clear of debt! That’s three years, I need to start like 6 months ago…lol
Have a wonderful Thursday!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Blah hump day!



Turbo: Thanks for liking it! The campfire photo’s had to do with my shutter speed! I’m not really up to date with how I did it my friend set it for me and I just played around with it. As well with the help of the ground because once you start getting into shutter mode you need a try pod or a very sturdy hand haha!
I’m taking a break from working out! Why? because I can! I have a massage appointment today at 3:30 which I’m happy about I’m so tense and blah lately that I need it! Today is a beautiful day out so I’m trying to be cheery and happy but really I’m pissed and blah. I don’t know why? Maybe it’s the stress of going home next week? Which I’m excited about but…I can feel the stress hitting me now. I’ll just keep track of calories this week, stay under 1500 I should be fine for Sunday’s weigh in. I’m definitely staying away from the scale until Sunday!
I still have a lot of photos to go through for my page. I should probably sit down and have a relaxing night doing that tonight and just work on my photo page and worry about everything else tomorrow!
Have a happy Hump day!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Blah Tuesday


I think I’m just going to maintain here for a while. This is really depressing and I’m really moody today and NOT in the mood to worry about weight loss or working out. It’s such a beautiful day out but today I gotta work both of my jobs it totally sucks. I’m in this rut, I’m still waiting to hear back as to WHEN my interview is. I think the scale just depressed me this morning!

Friday No Spark canceled which I was super happy about given the fact that I was soo exhausted from Acupuncture that I was out like a light by 8pm that night. He wanted to reschedule for Saturday but of course the place closed at 5 and I was working that day and didn’t know what time I was going to finished. He mentioned we could do a stay in and watch a movie and I was like not happening. (Movie nights usually mean make out sessions and sex) I’m really not that into him to invite him over to my place to watch a movie.  Saturday I did my 30 minute workout, then went out to a buffet at an Indian restaurant which was amazing by the way!

Sunday was my weigh in 157!!! I was happy about that The Bow River clean up and all though I was home by one in the afternoon I wanted to work on my photo’s and add more to my photography page, instead of going out and doing something. I think my page is coming along nicely! 20 likes and one was from a random person! I just need 10 more than apparently I can do more with my page! So like it! facebook.com/dysfunctionalbarbiephotography :) Don’t worry I can only see you liked it, I can’t see anything on your page because we’re not friends. :P

I got a picture of the harvest moon it was really pretty. I attempted to workout yesterday only to have done two circuits from JM BFBM then quit, I was kind of full and my body was just like “ugh stop moving around so much.” I think a nap is in order after job one, before job two….Then tomorrow I may feel better and get back into working out, or hell I may even shock myself tonight around 8:30 and work out. Who knows…all I know is NAP TIME once I get home for an hour…

Anyone else having a blah Tuesday?! Have a wonderful rest of the day all!

Friday, May 4, 2012

damn you donut!



It comes to no surprise that that tiny delicious beast is what I shouldn’t have ate or else I would have been only 100 calories over 1500 instead of 400…As you guessed it I ate over my calorie intake. Whoops but on a POSITIVE note my exercises are becoming a habit! I have been able to keep up with them even forcing myself on the weekends to get in a short workout has been alright!
Today’s food plan:
6:00 – Green tea with Honey (60) ½ cup of cottage cheese and strawberries (160) = 220
9:00 – Two packages of instant oatmeal (280) ½ cup of 2% milk (70), Yogurt (35) = 385
10:30 – 5 veggie crackers (110), 2 table spoons of cream cheese (80), cucumbers (10) = 200
12:00 – Pizza Pockets (460) I know not the healthiest! But I really didn’t feel like cooking for lunch today!
Total:  1265
I don’t have dinner planned yet, but given the fact I have 235 calories left for dinner. I may make soup (210) and a salad (40) which would be good before I head out to archery! I have acupuncture at 3:30 until 4:30 I’ll head home and do Jillian Michaels (one of her 30 minute DVD’s) eat, then get ready since he’s not off work until 6:30 or 7:00. I’m letting him pick me up this time simply because I don’t feel like driving all the way down south for this and two I always wanted to be picked up for a date like they do in the movies haha.
Remember (charming) or as I now call him Twat? He text me and I pretty much confronted him on everything because I told him I had a date tomorrow. He said he wasn’t pleased about that. I said it’s been a month and EVERYTIME we we’re suppose to hang with the exception of our first meet you had an “Emergency!” I’m starting to think you’re married and hiding it and that I wasn’t going to stop dating when the opportunity came because who knows If it was going to be another month before I saw him.  He said he wasn’t married or involve. I said then what it is? Bad karma horrible timing what would you think if this was constantly happening to you with a girl you wanted to see?
He said he’d trust them until they gave him a reason not to. I told him I was following my gut instinct and if my gut instinct is stronger than my head telling me to trust someone I’m going to go with that! He said he was sorry that his mother’s illness was such an inconvience to me. I said don’t make me sound like a bitch here that’s not what I meant, it’s not just with your mother two weeks ago your friend killed herself, one time you got into a fender bender…makes it look like there’s a lot of excuses here because someone doesn’t want to put any effort into thing.
He said he wasn’t playing games here, and if he wasn’t interested he wouldn’t keep trying. (not that he’s really trying AT ALL, but I didn’t say that.) I said FINE, if you’re apparently NOT playing games then do something with me this weekend. He said he had to see if he was filming. Haha whatever, I have no thoughts on this one because I know it’s not going to happen and two if it does it’s he better plan something epic because cooking me dinner is not cool, not wanting to take me out is not cool…not spending money on me is not cool! (I’m not a gold digger and I’d gladly go out and do something free like a walk in the park with no spark guy…lol I know horrible name. but with twat it seems like he doesn’t want to spend money and if you’re a 36 year old broke ass I don’t want you either. Lol) As well if he was smart he’d step up his game because he obviously has some competition ;) bahaha I’m evil…
Sunday:


Clean up the bow river which will be so much fun! I’m going to bring my camera too and just get pictures of everything! Speaking of I finally set up my facebook photography page! https://www.facebook.com/DysfunctionalBarbiePhotography feel free to like it! I’m not the best at photography I’m pretty amateur and some of the shots I messed around with on my Photoshop to enhance the colour and stuff. I’ll never become a professional but it’s just really fun and I think it’s a healthy great hobbies to get into!

Everyone have a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Will the numbers stay low?!



Calorie counting starts again today and I feel like I’m arguing with myself to have a Denver on white (which is an egg with ham and onion in it) with cheese or instant oatmeal. I went with the Denver…and added a cookie on to that. I know I know what the fuck, but it’s like when I get hungry I want to eat. I usually have self control over the cookies just because they never taste as epic as they look but today I didn’t.
6:00- Green Tea with Honey – 60 Cals, ½ cup of cottage cheese with strawberries 140 cals, and a yogurt 35 cals.
9:00- Denver on white with cheese – 290 cals , ketchup - 45 cals, cookie - 210 cals
12:00- Pizza – 500 calories
Calorie intake before Dinner: 1280 which I’m fine with considering my acupuncturist told me I need to have my breakfast and lunch main meals and dinner a small one. I also have a workout to fit in, so of course I’ll be burning some calories off. I think I’ll plan for soup and a salad tonight for dinner.
17:00 – soup -210 and salad with dressing 80 which brings my total to 1570 which isn’t too bad! Unless I forget about the salad and just eat the soup we’ll see depending on how hungry I am after my work out! Yesterday I over ate but did my Bob DVD which was good, but man do I feel bloated today…My clothing is even fitting me differently it sucks, but I’m the only one to blame for over eating though so shame on me!
I have a date tomorrow with the No Spark guy and I kind of think a guy at work is pretty cool and we flirt and chit chat he’s works with me but in a different department. Guess I’m out of a rut…wait have I even been in a rut? Maybe more of a douchebag rut…lol maybe not anymore? I’ll keep you all posted!
P.S No Spark boy wants to take me to an archery range and fire off bow and arrows! Soooo cool! I’m totally game for that!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Home made pizzas!



MY BRA BROKE! I knew that was going to happen eventually, I just didn’t think today! So now I’m at work braless. At least my work shirts are baggy so it’s not that noticeable or is it? Probably isn’t I’m just being insecure about it because I know it…but they don’t look perky so it’s annoying me.
My day yesterday wasn’t as brutally long as I thought it was going to be! One of the Dr’s patients cancelled so I was out by 8 which made me happy, but I ended up getting sick as soon as I got home from the dentist I was in the bathroom. My friend grabbed me food and brought it to me since she was going to be around the area which was awesome of her! I had Opa’s chicken pita wrap with taziki sauce, lettuce, jalapeƱo’s and tomatoes as well as a ceaser salad, not too bad but I was so angry at myself earlier on because I had a mars bar and half a can of Pepsi! I went completely emotional almost cried cause I was so made and honestly saw myself like I would if I was 400 pounds. Later on I got even more upset because no one loves me and my success with men has been bullshit. So I went home, popped in JM BFBM didn’t push myself but I workout for 30 minutes before running a nicely candle lit bubble bath to relax in. I felt much better after that, I think I was just tired and in my head too much.
I’m going to start calorie counting again tomorrow. Goal is 1500 a day. To continue with my workouts like I’ve been doing and see how that goes!
I also need to grocery shop today after work, but really I just want a nap…But I have to head to the bank, then buy food (I’m thinking homemade pizza’s tonight). Anyone else have any ideas on what else to buy for food?!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Happy May 1st!



I love the start of a new month! Its feels more refreshing then a start of a new day! I got my test results back for that Career I’m trying to get into and I met the requirements! I have a lot of paper work to fill out I don’t have the testing day yet, I think they give people a certain amount of time to withdrawal if they haven’t been 3 years clear of  any criminal or drug abuse etc..
I was down to 159 last night and for some reason up this morning? Ah well. I managed to get a workout in before work, made healthy delicious omelets for breakfast and a nicely intimated chop salad like at the restaurant for lunch today. Today I have another long day, work, dentist, job #2 and then sometimes around 8:30 pm get in a workout. I might just do a 30 minute Jillian today instead of a 45 minutes video. Depends on how I feel at 8:30. I still will need to make my lunch for the next day.
I’m starting to do my make up a lot more which is helping a lot with my confidence level. Not saying I’m ugly without it, just saying I’m much prettier with it. Plus the dark make up I wear around my green eyes makes them look so much more magnetic and intimating to people haha!